Resources and Information

How do you know if you are being emotionally and/or verbally abused? Does the person:

• call you names, use put downs, sarcasm, or insults?
• open old wounds, attack your vulnerable areas?
• dredge up the past, make accusations?
• use intimidation, guilt, or threats to get their way?
• change the rules with out telling you?
• refuse to see your side or compromise?
• manipulate with sex or money?
• withhold love, support, and affection as punishment?

• be talked to and treated with respect and dignity
• be heard
• say no
• come and go as they please
• have their choices and needs respected
• be who they are, believe what they want

A maladaptive pattern of substance use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by one (or more) of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

• Repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household
• Driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use
• Recurrent substance-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for substance-related disorderly conduct)
• Continued substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the substance (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication, physical fights)

How do you know how much is too much? Do you often:

• feel apprehension or a sense of impending doom?
• feel very "uptight" or on edge?
• have racing thoughts or ideas jumping from one to the next?
• have frightening fantasies or daydreams of what may happen?
• fear you are losing control, "cracking up", or going crazy?
• experience heart palpitations, lightheadedness, difficulty breathing or other physical symptoms not attributed to a medical condition?
• avoid going places to avoid feelings of discomfort or fear?
• feel compelled to wash, check, count, or do other "rituals" to keep bad things from happening?
• feel you have little or no control over your anxiety, that it is controlling you?

More specific strategies can be used to address specific problems. For example, reframing is a technique which refers to looking at a problem differently so that it seems more manageable or even as an ally instead of an enemy. In a relaxed state, the client may have more insight and openness to finding novel ways to solve problems.

Clinical hypnotherapists generally try to engage the client’s own problem-solving capabilities in the process, rather than to plant suggestions to change behaviors. The client’s involvement is more effective because it avoids resistance that often takes place when hypnotists try to change behavior without first understanding what the problem behavior is doing for the client. Better understanding and insight into the purposes the problem behavior is serving for the client leads to solutions that fit the problem. And clinical hypnotherapy is very effective at identifying the purposes that the problem behavior serves.

Characteristics of codependency include: (1) caretaking of others to the extent they neglect their own needs; (2) believing that everything that happens to a significant other happens because of something the codependent did; (3) distorting boundaries, resulting in being very intrusive and not allowing others to work out their own problems; (4) struggling with control issues and believing they can and should be able to control everything and everyone around them; (5) being out of touch with their own feelings and/or distortion of feelings.

In looking at these characteristics, it is important to keep in mind that most people possess many of these traits in varying degrees. That doesn't mean that everyone is codependent. But when these characteristics reach the magnitude where they interfere with the person's ability to function or to live a life without pain, then it is time to examine the situation.

Dissociative Amnesia

• not able to recall important information about some stress or trauma that one has experienced, going beyond simple forgetfulness
• this experience is not due to substance abuse or medications or as a result of head injury
• this experience causes extreme distress or interrupts social or occupational activities

Dissociative Fugue

• sudden, unexpected travel away from work or home without being able to remember the past
• confusion about who one is or taking on a new identity
• this experience is not due to substance abuse or medications or as a result of a medical condition such as epilepsy
• this experience causes extreme distress or interrupts social or occupational activities

Dissociative Identity Disorder

• the presence of two or more separate identities or personalities, each with its own set of feelings, perceptions, actions, and attitudes towards their surroundings and themselves
• at least two of these identities or personalities takes charge of the person’s behavior repeatedly
• the inability to recall behaviors that took place while an alternate identity or personality is in charge of the person’s behaviors
• this experience is not due to substance abuse or medications or as a result of a medical condition such as seizures. In children this disturbance is not due to imaginary playmates or play that includes fantasies.

Depersonalization Disorder

• frequent feelings of being “outside the body” as if one were detached from their own bodily experiences
• while feeling detached, one is aware of reality
• this experience causes extreme distress or interrupts social or occupational activities
• this experience is not due to substance abuse or medications

Although there are five commonly accepted stages of grief – shock and/or denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance - each person experiences grief in their own unique way, and at their own pace,. The stages are not always experienced in order, and sometimes some are skipped altogether. Sometimes a person will go back and re-experience a previous stage. There are no rules to the grief process. Recognizing the stages often helps a person understand what they are experiencing.

There are also common physical responses to grief, including sleeping disorders, eating disorders, dizziness, chest pain, headaches, and body aches. Some of these are quite intense and uncomfortable and it is always good to check with a physician if you are not feeling well. It is also quite common to experience confusion, lack of focus and inability to concentrate.

The grief process takes time to resolve, and there are no shortcuts or magic cures. There are some things, however, that can help you during this difficult journey. One of the most helpful things is sharing with others. Sometimes there is a tendency to isolate, but resisting that urge and talking about the loss will help. If you find you are experiencing deep pain and disruption in your life after a loss, you may need assistance from a mental health professional. People often come to therapists for help in healing from loss; most communities offer a local grief support group.

In order for a relationship to be healthy, each partner must be capable of being responsible for their own feelings and their own well-being within the relationship. Each of you should possess the following characteristics in order to be one half of a healthy relationship:

1. You care for but do not take care of the other.
2. You know that love cannot be created or manipulated.
3. You are able to share feelings as you feel them.
4. You are able to share the couple’s world while maintaining your own.
5. You are able to see the other and your self without judgment.
6. You recognize, accept and honor your own needs.
7. You know that one cannot compromise one's spiritual and moral values without eroding the relationship.
8. You are unwilling to accept physical, emotional or spiritual battering.

If you have discovered you tend to stay in unhealthy relationships long after you have discovered they are not healthy, you might be a relationship, or love addict. The following indications are true of all addictions, including love, sex or relationship addiction:

1. Compulsion. You feel a compelling need to connect with and remain connected to another person.
2. Continued use despite negative consequences. You remain attached to a person even now knowing that the relationship is bad or unhealthy.
3. Withdrawal symptoms. You experience pains in chest or stomach, sleep disturbances, irritability, weeping, stomach or digestive upsets, etc. at the threat of a breakup.
4. Relapse Prone. You keep going back to the unhealthy person or immediately immerse in a new relationship.

Many people find therapy helpful in sorting out relationship issues and becoming emotionally healthy in order to participate in a healthy partnership.

Life transitions can be general, a transition many experience, and individual, a transition specific to the individual. A Life Transition is a time when the routine of life is changed to varying degrees as a result of choice, necessity or force. The process entails important change taking place over time with the comfort of routine often unavailable.

A state of unrest, dissatisfaction and reevaluation define the general characteristics of a life in transition. Some experience reserved emotion and some withdrawal from interaction while others become assertive or aggressive. Despite which response, realizing what is being experienced allows for conscious choice instead of impulse reaction.

Examples of common Life Transitions

• Leaving the family for a job or school
• Divorcing
• Changing friends because of change in values or habits
• Changing careers
• Establishing own identity outside of family
• Moving out of town away from support systems
• Starting a relationship
• Changing schools
• Changing neighborhoods
• Changing majors
• Death of relative or friend
• Making decisions different from support system Single life to life with a partner
• Reevaluating life
• Changing job
• Questioning present values
• Having children
• Questioning religious and spiritual values

According to Gail Sheehy in her book, Passages, there are predictable crises of adult life. We can use each crisis to stretch to our full potential, instead of holding...blame. There is a pattern in our lives; a pattern of adult developmental stages, which once recognized can be managed. We continue to grow through the stages of adulthood.

By the mid-20s, most adults have made some important commitments and decisions, and have a sense of who they are. They are accepting and accommodating to social norms, in choices regarding both the serious and superficial aspects of life. Often this is in marked contrast to the experimental and sometimes-rebellious adolescents they once were. Both affiliation and achievement needs now begin to be met. These choices are not necessarily considered lifetime ones and will probably be reevaluated several more times in a lifetime.

In the 30s reevaluation takes place. Decisions regarding how and if the goals previously set are producing the results hoped for by this time of life. New priorities may have arisen and created a shift in focus. A willingness to give up late hours at work for more time with family or a new plan set to accomplish the work goal in an alternative manner may need to be considered. Quality of life is directly related to the current view about the old and new decisions, about how life is lived. There are still many turning points ahead where new directions can be set.

During the 40s a new sense of self and what is important arises. More reevaluation and oftentimes a difficult decision to change what had been a priority yet now seems unimportant compared to others aspects of life. What has worked well in one period life often may be what needs to be changed in the next part of life. Letting go of what has been comfortable and healthy until the present is often the challenge during a life transition. The transitions continue throughout life with many identified through each decade. For detailed information on the 50s through the 90s look for our resource section or call.

What will help? Counseling can aid parents and their growing adolescents in developing appropriate skills to interact with each other in healthier ways. A counselor can also help you develop plans or strategies that best fit your family's needs. Parenting an adolescent can go from challenging to rewarding when both parent and adolescent learn the necessary skills to successfully negotiate through this stage of life.

PTSD-Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is caused by a shocking or disturbing event in a person’s life. The person’s response to the event can involve intense fear, horror, or helplessness.

There are numerous types of stressful incidents that may cause this reaction. Experiences ranging from involvement in war, inappropriate sexual experience or threat of physical assault on self or others are just a few of the possibilities that may result in PTSD. Some individuals may experience this reaction from observing or hearing about a serious injury or life-threatening event.

The characteristic symptoms/reactions resulting from the exposure to the extreme disturbance include continual reexperiencing of the disturbing event, constant avoidance of anything associated with the trauma, numbing of general responsiveness, and persistent symptoms of increased frustration. In children, the response may involve confused or nervous behavior. To be considered PTSD the symptoms must be present for more than one month and the disturbance must cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Reference: DSM-IV

Self-injury is done as a way of coping with overwhelming psychological or psychophysiological arousal. This can be to express emotion, to deal with feelings of unreality or numbness, to stop flashbacks, to punish the self and stop self-hating thoughts, or to deal with a feeling of impending explosion. Self-injury is more about relieving tension or distress than about anything else. Sometimes self-injury is a cry for help. Self-injurers can be anyone of any age or economic level.

Self-injury is a crude and destructive coping mechanism, but it works. There is no “magic pill” for stopping self-harm. Hospitalization, especially forced, may do more harm than good. To help one must offer more effective relationally based coping strategies as replacement. This usually takes time and a skilled therapist. Punishing a self-injurer for coping in the only way he or she knows can make family relationships problematic. Self-injury is a choice, a behavioral response to an emotional state and is usually not done to frustrate caretakers. Be cautious not to take responsibility for stopping someone from hurting themselves.

Studies have shown that people, who are active in a regular practice of spirituality, tend to be healthier and come through life challenges faster and with less intensity than those who do not have this support system to access.

Although spirituality can refer to God, it is so broadly defined that it can also refer to relationship with a higher power, elements of nature, or even rituals with a focus and purpose. There are numerous cultural traditions that incorporate different practices and activities focused on relating to a power greater than us.

If you do not already have a spiritual practice, the challenge is to find which is the best fit for you. At Creve Coeur Counseling, we are an eclectic group of professionals who come from a variety of backgrounds and traditions. As professionals, we know the benefits of developing spirituality in your life as well as learning how and when to best apply these practices in a meaningful way that will help you through difficult times.

If you have questions about spirituality, are looking to discover what might be the best fit for you or if you simply would like to learn how to apply your current practice to your life and your challenges in a more meaningful way, call us today.

These changes were originally designed to be helpful. Since the common stressors of today do not often require these same strategies, if the body is constantly engaged in this process for lengthy periods of time, it becomes easy to see why the results are physical disease such as hypertension, ulcers, heart disease, diabetes, heart attacks, neck and back pain, or even headaches.

Stress underlies some of today’s more prevalent mental health issues such as depression, anxiety chemical dependency, and life changes including relationship concerns, job adjustments, death, issues with family and children as well.

Some simple strategies to consider are improved time management, self-care, ability to sleep, physical exercise, and nutritious eating habits. Know when to ask for help, create solid support systems to include friends, family and professionals. Meditation and Spirituality are also greatly overlooked strategies that can also decrease the impact of daily life stressors.